If You Give a Bum a Beer

One Saturday night, after I got off of work, I decided to stop by the grocery store and buy a little booze. In California, you can buy liquor at the grocery store, and at all hours of the night – pretty cool. As I was walking into my local Ralph’s I noticed a bum sitting outside of the store. This isn’t very uncommon up there to be honest, but the bum this night seemed to be less of a lazy bum, and more of a bum who was just down on his luck. How did I come to this conclusion… don’t really know. I was just in a good mood that night so that’s how it went. I decided that I would be generous and help a bum out. I decided that I wasn’t just going to drop him some change though. I was going to surprise him with a gift, but I was torn on what kind of gift. What would a bum rather have – a beer or a sandwich? Well sometimes when you offer a bum a sandwich, they get mad at you and beg for a beer. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Since I was in the drinking mood that night, I went with a beer. Just a single beer, but a beer still. And I didn’t go complete bottom shelf. I got him a Bud Light. That’s better than some college kids drink! So I went to the checkout and paid for my stuff. Then I walked outside and dropped a bag in front of him with the beer in it and said, “Hey, you want a beer?” His response, “I don’t drink.” WHAT? Really? I mean, I guess I could respect that… but I thought most bums drank! I thought it was still a safe pick! If I was at that point, even if I was hungry, I think I would still take the beer if it was being handed to me. He didn’t want it though. I felt kind of bad that I didn’t have a sandwich for him, but I kind of already spent the money that I was willing to spend at that point. I took a 50/50 shot at it and went out with a swing and a miss. He was adamant about not taking the beer, so I took the beer, and I went on my way. He still seemed like an alright bum though, so I sure hope someone got him a sandwich that night. I also hope that it wasn’t a really dry sandwich; otherwise he’ll really be kicking himself over it later.

Curiosity Takes You to Odd Places

It’s warming up here in Los Angeles, and it got me thinking about how both men and women are going to be getting ready for beach season. Hitting the gym, getting tan, and getting a Brazilian? (Well, at least for women anyways.) That thought alone got me thinking – why do they call it a Brazilian? It can’t be named after the country’s geographic region. That country has no real defined shape. It looks like a childlike drawing of a seahorse. It’s just kind of all over the place – not very Brazilian. Is Brazil simply the capital of pubic technology? I don’t know. I guess it could be possible. I don’t know a lot about their country. I have no idea what kind of government they have, or their imports and exports. Maybe they just have development teams working on this kind of stuff. It’s not all that crazy! It really seems to be taking off based on the common use of the term here in the 90′s and 2000’s! Maybe it’s one of the things that Brazil prides itself on – their soccer teams, track & field athletes, and their waxes. I can’t say for sure. I’ve never been there. If it is a staple of their country, would that mean that there are classes and college degrees in it? Could one acquire a Bachelor of the Arts in Brazilian Waxing?

Since I didn’t know that much about its origin, and I’m curious like a cat, I decided to Wiki it. A Wikipedia search on Brazilian waxing proved both humorous and more graphic than I expected from Wikipedia. I did find my information about its origin though! Apparently it dates back to a letter written in 1500 AD which says (translated into English), “their private parts were so exposed… that looking upon them we felt no shame.” Probably one of those letters he didn’t expect to go public, explaining how he spent his entire voyage starring down the natives. Our very own Tiger Woods of 1500 AD – “Just another business voyage overseas honey!” Though how could this man from the letter possibly contribute to the spread of this fashion? Seems like a hard thing to sell to his wife… “Honey, you won’t believe what the women over there do with their genitals!” That’s quite a hole you’ve dug yourself there, sir. However it happened, this letter proves that it’s not a 90’s and 2000’s thing, but a 16th century thing. What it didn’t say was whether this was a consistent trend or if it left and came back like bell-bottom jeans. Not enough letters were documented to really know. Evidence based on jokes about the evolution of Playboy magazine’s photos from the 1970’s to present time would support it being a fad that’s simply making its way back around.

I realize that I may have spent a bit too much time pondering this whole thing, but you just get curious sometimes about the origin of things and just need to throw around the possibilities. Like who first agreed to let their friend pee on their jellyfish wound? Well, that’s a trip down imagination lane that I’ll have to travel another day.

My Thoughts That Sparked From Chipotle

The other day, I enjoyed a delicious burrito from Chipotle - steak burrito with the rice, pinto beans, cheese, and the hottest salsa of their three (extra hot salsa on the side). Amazing combination that is clearly too much to eat in one sitting, but I always rationalize doing so. Let’s face it, the last few bites at the bottom of the burrito are the best, and there’s only one way to get there. While I was eating said burrito, I quickly came to realize… this is one of the worst foods to have with someone you are trying to make a good first impression with. In no time, you will find yourself digging out pieces of tortilla, rice, steak, and cilantro that have all, at some point, found themselves lodged into the spaces between your teeth. There’s no good, or easy way to fix this situation other than to constantly have a toothpick in hand, or throw a fingernail into your mouth to clear things up. I know there are other foods that are also difficult to deal with and should be avoided, but I think I’d tackle a bowl of spaghetti marinara, or even try my chances with a live salmon covered in bbq first. At least with those I have a fighting chance! In no way am I knocking Chipotle’s food because I think it’s one of the best things since “Don’t Stop Believing”. I just think that it’s better to eat there with company you are more familiar with and who are less likely to judge. The other option is eating back to back with your new friend, which actually wasn’t all that weird.

The other observation that I made during that particular Chipotle trip was less about Chipotle, and more about the four police officers sitting at a table near me. How often do you think police officers find themselves in the middle of one of the best meals ever, and then get an emergency call where they have to bail on their awesome food? And on the flip side of that – how often do you think they mute the call and finish eating? I mean, it’s not every day that you get to order the surf and turf, and this thing basically JUST hit the table. I’m going to finish this lobster. It’s a hostage situation… they’ll still be there in a half hour. I’ve thought about it, and all I’m saying is that if I were strapped to some C-4, and the bomb squad showed up to save my life and happened to be holding $5 foot longs, I couldn’t be too mad (as long as they were chicken, bacon, ranch). I get it. That’s a great sandwhich! Maybe next time bring me one too. I’ll get you back for it once this whole situation is cleared up and I can get to an ATM.

In a related note – when are we going to see Jack Bauer have some human, day-to-day moments? I want to see that man do some normal stuff in one of these episodes. Let him show up to bring in a lead with a bag of peanuts in his hand. You know the man’s hungry! All that running around sure deserves a snack at some point. During what episode are we going to see Jack Bauer curled up in the back seat of the SUV taking a cat nap? Just from 2:15pm to 2:30pm. I would pay money to see some of this stuff! The whole season of 24 is supposed to take place in one day’s time, but we never get to see some of those every day activities. Jack: “Chloe, give me the schematics to get a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and some waffle fries!”